Death to the Demon Toaster

I have been held hostage by my toaster for the last two years. This may sound odd but I have two weaknesses that allowed this to happen. The first one... toast is my comfort food. A nice piece of toast covered in butter and cashew butter (I'm allergic to peanuts) makes my heart sing and my toes tingle. If Cory wasn't around to ensure that I was eating a balanced diet, I would happily live on toast until scurvy overtook me.

My other weakness is that complete and total inability to replace a "working" item. It feels so wasteful... sure the item is unsatisfactory but it works... sorta. I've had my TV for over a decade, my computer is almost 7 years old and until recently, my car was an unattractive, gas guzzler that I drove into the ground for 12 years.

Two years ago, we received a toaster as a gift. It was all shiny and new. Without testing its usability, we donated the old one to charity and embarked on what should have been a long and lasting friendship. I like my toast lightly toasted. This demon of a toaster took 6 pops to get a light tan on my bread. Cory perfers a darker toast... he usually gave up after the 9th pop. We would hold the popper thingy down and it would make an un-godly noise. Sometimes it would latch but most times you were forced to stand there holding the toast down. Every piece of toast was cursed at....

Our toaster was a conversation piece. We discussed and fantasized about ways to destroy this demon spawn that was ruining my toast experience. Hammers, baseball bats, a gentle punt into a brick wall... each dream becoming more and more joyful with each toasting experience. But this week, it all changed...

My mother, the angel who gave me life, bought us a NEW toaster. For the first time in two years, I can eat toast without anger. It is shiny and pretty and has lots of buttons, but most importantly, it actually TOASTS bread.

We have yet to discard the corpse of the demon toaster. No punishment has been found suitable for it yet. I fear discarding it intact for fear that some unsuspecting soul will adopt it. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.